Dear Ava, Sometimes, mummies on the Internet write really lovely letters to their offspring. They are full of kind words, and whimsical reflections and will [...]
Life has a funny way of changing just when you think you have it all worked out. You’re cruising along in your little groove, just pleasantly enjoying the consistency of every day, when suddenly something changes, and the groove is not so groovy anymore. (Wondering if that’s where that word came from now!)
Perhaps even more unsettling, is when nothing happens at all, and yet suddenly that path you were happily careening down, suddenly seems uncomfortable and like the exact wrong place to be.
Which is kind of where I am right now.
I feel restless. And agitated. And like something has to change, or give way.
It’s not a bad feeling; it’s that one that comes right before you know things are going to get really good. That agitation that speaks of a necessary change; uncomfortable at the time, but beneficial in the long run.
I’m not sure what to do at the moment, but there are a few things I do know.
I’m not loving blogging as much. I do still love it, and I adore the community that comes with it. But I feel like I’ve come out of the blogging bubble now, and need to work out how I’m going to negotiate it for the time to come. Kind of like when you have your first baby, and you live in that little bubble of being so excited to be a mum, and that’s all you ever wanted to do. And then one day you wake up and realise you would really like to have your own handbag, or, heaven forbid, your own identity, outside of being a mum.
I think I actually want to be more than a blogger now.
Bizarrely, last week, in the excitement of getting my book off to print, and selling a few copies, and also doing the very daunting business of trying to put myself out there, this restlessness, that has been lying dormant and unnoted for the last little while, reared it’s ugly head. And at the very time when I thought, ‘I can relax just for a bit,’ it cried out to me: ‘what are you going to do next?”
Writing one book does not seem like enough.
Blogging does not feel like enough.
Working at a liquor store is not enough.
Being a mum is not enough.
There is more for me yet, and I’m certain that if I can find the right path, whatever it is is going to be great and awesome.
I was reading a forum the other day; you know that one that is intended to pick all us bloggers apart, but occasionally has some actually quite helpful advice? One of the snarks wrote something, and it really resonated with me, although I don’t really love that she was picking on a fellow blogger to make the point. She said that maybe this person needed to wear a different tag; be more than ‘just a blogger.’
I think most of us would agree that we are more than bloggers, but at the same time, for the last little while, I’ve had so much pride in describing myself as one, just because it is something for me. I’ve let it be something that defines me, and not in a healthy way.
Reading through my manuscript, I realised how passionate I used to be about spending time with my kids. These days, it’s an effort, cause every spare moment is consumed with social media and boosting stats. Because if you’re going to be a blogger, then you’ve got to be a big one right?
But what if I’m more than that? What if I’ve been negelcting my other tags?
What if the very thing that I have let define me, is actually the thing that is holding me back?
Now I’m in no way hanging my blogging hat up; that’s not even on the cards. But I am saying that I think I am more than this. That being a blogger was what I needed for a while to be more than a mum, but now I can see that I am actually more than that too. That I carry many tags; I am many things to many people.
I just need to work out what all those things are.
And how to wear all my hats and still look good
Do you ever have random introspective thoughts that make you feel like you need to make a change in your life?